Someone You Love Is Considering MAiD

Conversations about medical assistance in dying (MAiD) can bring up some of the most difficult feelings we experience as human beings.

When someone you love is considering MAiD, you may find yourself holding two truths at once: you want to respect their experience, and you desperately wish you didn't have to face losing them.

You may understand why they are considering it and still wish they weren't. You may feel frightened, angry, relieved, confused, or completely lost about what to say. You may have religious, spiritual, or personal reservations. You may be trying to respect their wishes while hoping they will change their mind. I have had clients who want to either scream at their loved one to make another choice or scream at their loved ones wishing they could understand why they are making this choice for themselves.

You might find yourself moving between these feelings in a single day, sometimes within the same conversation.

If you are navigating this experience with someone you love, there is so much room for complicated feelings here.

You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to feel one particular way. And you don't have to navigate this alone.

When someone else's experience is different from yours

When someone you love begins talking about MAiD, it can be difficult to fully understand why. And often families listen and then that is the end of conversation for now, out of site out of mind.

You may see the life they still have, the people who love them, the experiences they could still have, and the moments you wish you had more time to share.

They may be experiencing suffering that you cannot fully see or feel. Their experience of their illness, their body, their independence, or their quality of life may be very different from what you can observe from the outside.

This difference can be painful.

You might find yourself wanting to remind them of everything they have to live for. You might want to find another treatment, another specialist, or another possibility that could make things different. You might feel an overwhelming need to do something that could change the outcome.

These feelings often come from love. When we care deeply about someone, it can be incredibly difficult to sit beside their suffering without trying to make it better.

But sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do is make space to listen.

You do not have to understand every part of someone's experience to hear them with compassion. Listening does not mean you have to agree with their decision. It means you are willing to hear what they are telling you about their life, their suffering, and what matters to them.

When you have questions or reservations about MAiD

MAiD can challenge deeply held beliefs about life, death, suffering, autonomy, and what it means to care for someone.

You may have religious, spiritual, cultural, or personal beliefs that make the idea of MAiD difficult to reconcile. You may worry about whether your loved one has considered every option. You may feel uncomfortable with the decision itself, even while recognizing how much they are suffering.

You are allowed to have questions.

You do not have to set aside your values or pretend to feel differently than you do. You can seek information, speak with healthcare professionals, and ask questions about the process and available supports.

At the same time, it can help to make room for an honest conversation rather than allowing fear or disagreement to become silence.

You might say:

• “Can you help me understand what this means for you?”

• “I love you, and I want to understand what you're going through.”

• “I'm scared because I don't want to lose you.”

• “I may have questions, but I want us to be able to talk about this.”

• “What do you need from me right now?”

These conversations may not resolve every difference. They do not have to.

You can hold your beliefs and still approach your loved one with tenderness. You can be honest about your feelings without asking them to take responsibility for those feelings. And you can continue to love someone, even when their choices are difficult for you to understand.

Understanding MAiD in British Columbia

Medical assistance in dying is a legal end-of-life option in Canada for people who meet the eligibility requirements established by federal law.

In British Columbia, a person must meet specific criteria to be eligible. These include being at least 18 years old, having the capacity to make healthcare decisions, making a voluntary request without external pressure, providing informed consent, and having a grievous and irremediable medical condition that causes enduring suffering they find intolerable and that cannot be relieved under conditions they consider acceptable.

For current information about eligibility, safeguards, and accessing services, visit the Government of British Columbia's MAiD information page.

Having reliable information can help you understand the process, even if you are still working through how you feel about it.

When the whole experience feels surreal

There is another part of navigating MAiD that can be difficult to put into words: how surreal the experience can feel. This word comes up over and over in my work when MAiD is being discussed.

You might be having conversations about assessments, eligibility, dates, appointments, and practical arrangements while also trying to comprehend that someone you love may be approaching the end of their life in a way that feels very different from what you imagined.

The practical details can make everything feel strangely ordinary. There are phone calls to make, messages to answer, meals to prepare, appointments to attend, and everyday responsibilities that continue regardless of what is happening.

And yet, underneath all of it, something enormous is unfolding.

You may find yourself moving between moments of ordinary life and sudden waves of disbelief. One minute you are talking about what to have for dinner, and the next you are thinking about the fact that you may not have another opportunity to do this together.

It can feel difficult to reconcile the ordinary rhythm of daily life with the enormity of what is happening.

You may understand intellectually what is coming while still finding it difficult to believe emotionally.

There is no right way to move through this. You may feel present and connected one day, overwhelmed the next, and strangely numb after that. You may find yourself wanting to talk about everything, or needing a break from conversations about death altogether.

These responses can coexist and you do not need to make sense of all of them at once.

The weight of the last coffee, the last hug, and the last goodbye

When there is a known or anticipated date of death, ordinary moments can begin to feel different. I also see this often in my work.

A coffee together may no longer feel like just a coffee. A hug may become something you want to remember in every detail. A familiar drive, a visit, a shared meal, or a conversation about something completely ordinary may suddenly carry a weight it never had before.

You may catch yourself wondering:

Is this the last time we will do this?

Will I remember this moment?

Should I be making the most of this time?

What if I don't say everything I want to say?

What if I miss something important because I didn't realize it was the last?

These questions can turn even the most ordinary moments into something emotionally complicated.

You may feel pressure to make every visit meaningful, to say everything that needs to be said, to create memories, to take photographs, or to ensure that your loved one knows how much they mean to you.

And sometimes, you may find yourself unable to relax because you are so aware of how precious the time feels.

This is one of the difficult realities of anticipating a death: knowing that time is limited does not necessarily make it easier to be present within it.

Sometimes it makes being present much harder.

You may be sitting across from someone you love, trying to enjoy a familiar moment, while part of your mind is already imagining the grief that will follow. You may be laughing together and then suddenly feel a wave of sadness because you know the laughter will not always be there in the same way.

You may feel guilty for not being more present, even as you are trying your best to take everything in.

You may be distracted by the other people in your life also grieving, their behaviour, and how they are showing up or not.

If this is happening to you, I hope you can offer yourself some gentleness.

You do not have to turn every moment into a memory.

You do not have to make every conversation profound or ensure that every goodbye feels complete.

You are allowed to have an ordinary coffee. You are allowed to talk about the weather, complain about something small, watch television, or sit together without discussing what is coming.

You are allowed to enjoy yourself without feeling guilty. You are allowed to feel sad during a happy moment. And you are allowed to have days when you cannot bear to think about the future.

Not every moment needs to become a final moment in your mind.

Sometimes love looks like saying everything you have been meaning to say. Sometimes it looks like sharing a memory or having a difficult conversation. And sometimes it looks like simply sitting beside someone, drinking your coffee, and being together as you always have.

You do not have to make every moment meaningful for the relationship to have meaning.

Supporting someone without feeling responsible for their decision

When someone you love is considering MAiD, it can be tempting to feel responsible for what happens next.

You might wonder whether you should encourage them to reconsider, whether there is something you have missed, or whether you could do more to change the circumstances that have brought them here.

You might also feel responsible for ensuring that their remaining time is as peaceful or meaningful as possible.

It is understandable to want to help. But you cannot carry every part of this experience for someone else.

Your loved one has their own experience, their own feelings, and their own decision-making process. Your role does not have to be to agree with every decision or to find a way to make everything okay.

Instead, you can ask what support would be helpful.

You might offer to attend appointments if they would like you there, help gather information about available care options, talk about their wishes, or simply make time for the things that matter to them.

You can also ask whether they want to talk about MAiD or would prefer a break from the subject for a while.

Some people want to talk openly about their plans and feelings. Others may want to focus on daily life. Some move between the two.

There is no single conversation that you must have, and there is no perfect way to support someone through this.

What matters is approaching the relationship with honesty, respect, and a willingness to keep listening.

Remembering that there is still a life to live together

When death becomes more tangible, it can be easy for every conversation to become about illness, decisions, appointments, or what happens next.

There may be so many practical and emotional things to navigate that you forget you are still in a relationship with the person you love.

If it feels right for your loved one, leave room for ordinary life, too.

Tell stories. Share a meal. Look through old photographs. Talk about the places you have been or the things you have enjoyed together. Ask about the memories they return to most often. Listen to the stories you have heard many times before.

You might talk about what matters to them, the people they love, the things they want you to know, or the memories they hope you will carry forward.

Or you might not talk about any of those things at all.

You can laugh. You can be distracted. You can enjoy a quiet afternoon without feeling that you should be doing something more meaningful.

There is no requirement to turn the time you have left into a perfect collection of memories.

Sometimes the ordinary parts of a relationship are the most familiar, comforting, and important.

You do not have to stop being yourselves because death is part of the conversation.

You deserve support, too

When someone is approaching the end of their life, much of the attention naturally turns toward the person who is ill and the decisions they are making.

But the people who love them are navigating something significant, too.

You may be carrying your own grief while trying to be supportive. You may be managing appointments, family conversations, work, and everyday responsibilities while privately wondering how you are going to cope with what is ahead.

You may feel that you need to be strong, that your feelings should come second, or that you should not express your fears because you do not want to make things more difficult for your loved one.

But your experience matters, too.

You deserve somewhere to ask questions, express your uncertainty, and talk about the feelings that may be difficult to share with family members.

A counsellor, spiritual care provider, palliative care team, or end-of-life doula may be able to offer support as you navigate the emotional and practical parts of this experience.

Seeking support does not mean you are failing to cope. It means recognizing that this is a lot to carry.

MAiDHouse: A resource for individuals and families

For people in Victoria and across British Columbia who are navigating MAiD, MAiDHouse is a valuable resource to know about.

MAiDHouse is a non-profit organization that provides guidance, education, and support for people eligible for MAiD and the people who walk alongside them. MAiDHouse Victoria offers a welcoming, private space for eligible individuals to access MAiD with their own provider, as well as support with planning and resources for families and loved ones.

MAiDHouse also offers grief and bereavement resources that can help people navigate the emotional experience before, during, and after a loved one's death.

It is important to know that MAiDHouse is not a healthcare provider and does not conduct MAiD assessments or provide MAiD itself. Its space is available to eligible individuals through participating MAiD providers.

You can explore its services and resources at maidhouse.ca, along with its resources and frequently asked questions.

You can also speak with your healthcare team or contact your local health authority's MAiD coordination service for information about the process and available supports.

You don't have to feel the same way to love someone well

There is no single way to experience MAiD, either for the person considering it or for the people who love them.

You may feel acceptance, uncertainty, fear, sadness, or disagreement. You may feel different things at different times. You may understand your loved one's decision while still finding it incredibly painful.

You do not have to resolve every feeling before you can show up with compassion.

You can ask questions. You can be honest. You can seek support. You can continue to hold your own beliefs while making room for your loved one's experience.

And when the future feels uncertain, you can return to what is here now: the relationship, the conversation, the familiar routines, and the small moments of connection that make up a life together.

You do not have to make every moment meaningful.

You do not have to find the perfect words.

You do not have to navigate this alone.

Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is meet one another where we are, with honesty, tenderness, and the understanding that we are all trying to find our way through something difficult.

You can love someone deeply, even when their journey is difficult to understand.

At Victoria Death Doula, I offer compassionate, non-judgmental support to individuals and families navigating serious illness, dying, anticipatory grief, and bereavement. Whether you are looking for a space to talk through difficult questions, prepare for the end of life, or find support as you accompany someone you love, you do not have to carry everything on your own.

Learn more at VictoriaDeathDoula.ca. I offer in-person support in Greater Victoria and virtual sessions across Canada and the United States.