"I Wish I’d Known": Preparing for Loss

After losing a loved one, many families and loved ones find themselves ruminating with the heartbreaking thought, "I wish I’d known." Whether it’s about their loved one’s wishes, needs, or the final moments, this feeling of regret often arises from a sense of missed opportunity or unspoken truths.

The truth is, no one wants to look back with regret, or a related feeling especially during such an emotionally charged time. You can take steps now to get ahead of that question — and create meaning, clarity, and peace for yourself and your loved ones. This exercise can even be done after someone has died by writing a letter to them and sharing what you knew and what you wished you had known to put that energy out to them.

Start with Open Conversations: Having honest, compassionate conversations about end-of-life wishes, values, and preferences is invaluable. Talk about things like preferred care, spiritual needs, who they want to see or who they might not want to see and the kind of farewell they envision. Creating a shared understanding can prevent uncertainty, help fulfill their wishes and provide comfort.

Create Practical Plans: Documentation such as advance directives, power of attorney, or written instructions ensures that everyone knows what to do and what is important. These plans can be revisited and updated over time. Something of a ritual record where you check regularly on if wishes have changed and keep conversations open.

Reflect on Their Life and Values: Spend time learning about what mattered most to your loved one. What stories, traditions, or values do they want carried forward? This reflection can deepen your understanding and bring comfort. I know individuals who have filmed a loved one and asked questions, or interviewed and written their loved ones life story. I also know individuals who just had conversations and later wrote down some of the wisdom they learned that felt meaningful to them.

Engage Support and Guidance: Enlisting the help of professionals like a death doula or counsellor can provide guidance, facilitate difficult conversations, and support your emotional well-being throughout the process. This can be especially helpful in group or family conversations allowing someone to pause, ask questions and help keep the goal and flow of the conversation top of mind.

By approaching these conversations and plans proactively, you can reduce uncertainty and help ensure that, when the time comes, you and your loved ones can face it with kindness, honesty, and love — minimizing those painful "I wish I’d known" moments.

Remember, preparing ahead is a gift not only to your loved ones but also to yourself — because in cherishing clarity and connection, we can come closer to peace.