Being a Supportive Friend to Someone Who Is Sick

When someone we love is living with a life-limiting illness, many of us freeze.

We care deeply. We think about them often. We want to show up in the “right” way. And yet, weeks or months can pass with very little contact—not because we don’t care, but because we’re afraid of saying the wrong thing.

“I think they don’t want to be bothered.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I don’t want to remind them they’re sick.”

These thoughts are incredibly common. And they’re rooted in love. But they can unintentionally create distance at a time when connection matters most.

The Silence Is Often Louder Than the Wrong Words

One of the things I hear most from people who are seriously ill is not that their friends said the wrong thing—it’s that people disappeared.

When friends go quiet, it’s easy for someone who is sick to assume:

• “I’m a burden.”

• “My illness makes people uncomfortable.”

• “I’ve been forgotten.”

Even when that isn’t true at all.

The truth is, you don’t need the perfect words. You don’t need to be positive, inspirational, or wise. What matters most is presence—and presence can sound very simple.

You Can Say Exactly This

If you’re unsure what to say, you can say that.

“I want to support you and I’m here. I just don’t know what to say sometimes. I’m sorry if that’s felt like I haven’t been there for you, because I really am.”

Those words don’t require fixing anything. They don’t minimize the situation. They don’t pretend everything is okay.

They simply tell the truth—and honesty is often the most comforting thing we can offer.

You Don’t Have to Bring It Up—But You Can

Many people worry about “bringing it up,” as if mentioning illness or uncertainty will make things worse or feel rude. But for someone who is sick, the illness is already present every day. Ignoring it doesn’t make it disappear—it can just make it feel lonelier.

You might say:

• “How are you doing today?” and often someone will say “fine”. You can then offer, “I just want to check that you really are fine, you can be honest with me and I am happy to listen if that is helpful.”

• “Do you want to talk about what’s been hard lately, or would you rather talk about anything else?”

• “I’m thinking of you—no need to respond.”

These kinds of messages leave room for choice. They give control back to the person who is sick, which can be incredibly grounding and reduce pressure.

Support Doesn’t Have to Be Big or Constant

Being a supportive friend doesn’t mean knowing the right thing to do at every moment. It doesn’t mean checking in perfectly or always having energy.

Support can look like:

• A short text that says, “I’m here.”

• Sitting together in silence.

• Talking about ordinary things.

• Remembering important dates.

• Continuing to treat them like the person they’ve always been—not just someone who is ill.

• ask if they have a list of things that would be helpful and coordinate other friends to chip in.

It’s okay to be imperfect. It’s okay to feel awkward. What matters is staying connected.

For the Friends Who Are Trying Their Best

If you’ve been holding back because you didn’t know what to say, please be gentle with yourself. This territory is unfamiliar for most of us. There is no handbook, and fear of getting it wrong often comes from deep care.

Reaching out—even late, even awkwardly—is almost always better than staying silent.

And if you’re someone who is supporting a loved one with a life-limiting illness and you’re unsure how to navigate these conversations, you don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes having guidance or a neutral space to talk through these feelings can make showing up feel less overwhelming.

Connection doesn’t require perfect words. It just requires honesty, kindness, and the willingness to stay.